The text says:
Dear Bike Owner,
On Saturday April 20 I graduated from university and got straight white girl wasted. After the bar it was too late to catch a bus, and I am too broke to afford a cab, so I borrowed your bike without asking. It was a lusciously smooth ride from what I remember.
Anyways I am very sorry I did not ask to borrow your bike, so I have returned it with a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s as apology.
What a nice bike thief